we're all alone, you know.

i remember when i used to picture what i wanted my life to be like, what my image of content was, i used to get excited and strive towards it, because i felt like i could achieve it.

i miss that.

i am stuck in a cycle i can't get out of.
words are useless, actions are useless, feelings are useless.
everything that should matter or mean something is stripped of it's worth.




i'll continue using my defense mechanism and shrugging it off eventually, but, inevitably, things will come back around to this.
nobody can be a little less than human forever.



i hope you're happy, because i'm not.



/end whiny bitch post.

destruction.

i am being swallowed whole.







somebody save me. somebody bring me back to life.

dayin/dayout/nightin/nightout

i do not feel as if i am capable of saying very much about anything right now. words fail me at the moment, so i apologize. i do not wish to say things so simply, because simple words do not do justice when being used to explain how one feels, but if it that's how it seems, then that's how it seems.

as it turns out, simple words have lost their touch and are not enough. i am sorry.

i also must apologize for following the way of most blogs. i am sure you've grown sick of reading about terrible love lifes, great love lifes, love in general. i try not to whine and complain, and i pride myself on the feeling that i generally succeed. but, alas, i am only human, and as independent as i strive to be, i can only take so much and hold it down to mingle with the rest of the whatever comes to me in life until it fades.

eventually, some of it builds up and must be discarded somehow.
so again, i apologize for whatever may come. if you do not wish to read on, i will not blame you.
i won't always be bitching and moaning and complaining and whining and all those unfortunate little things that you may consider it. i can promise this.


but tonight, the moon only provides so much company, and the sunrise is in a rush to leave.




somebody please fill the empty space in this bed beside me that has waited for you.
be awkward and cute with me and be young and in love while we can.
let's be certain, safe and sound about each other, and sing to our own song in tune together.
let's do unextraordinary things and make them extraordinary for each other, and watch as we help each other blossom and bloom.
we can watch terrible movies together and enjoy them because, really, we won't be paying much attention to them anyways, and we can watch great movies together and have exceptional conversations about everything and nothing and all that is in between, and sometimes we don't even have to speak a word and that will be enough for both us.
let's take walks in beautiful places when it's nice out and take walks in beautiful places when it rains.
we can learn about each other and learn to sacrifice and learn that even though we could've been just as happy before we'd met each other, being happy with someone else is preferred.
we can be lazy and stay in bed when we feel like it, reading each other and learning each other and our skin and our bones.
we will echo out something similar to 'everything' to each other.
keep my heart in your pocket and I'll keep yours in mine.
take a chance on me.

again, i apologize. but sometimes, human emotion demands to be heard. so let it be heard.
thanks for letting me be heard.

this is not living.

_____________

history.

the boy with the sewn-on heart sat by the lakeside in his favourite spot, as he always did. the moon was fully lit in the sky, and the way it shone down on the water made it seem as if it's reflection directed itself straight to him, and he liked that. he thought it was magical, a natural beauty that felt, despite all the ugliness he found in the organs and skin and blood and appearance he owned, was magical only to him. something special that nobody would appreciate fully except him. something that made him feel a little less ugly.

the boy with the sewn-on heart stared out at the dim blue distance. leaves had begun to fall from their respective trees and fall to their new homes on the ground, where they would be blown away to even more new homes by the increasingly cold wind, again and again and again. every so often one would land on the boy, but he paid no attention. he was alone. alone. alone with the lake and alone with the things he had done and alone with his thoughts and alone with what he could not change. alone with regret. alone with a sewn-on heart that served only to fall away again and be lost and out of his control. alone with what he could not change. alone with the waves and alone with the moon and it's everpointing reflection and the sky and the stars. alone with the magic that existed only to him, in that spot. alone with the moon longing to attach itself to him, it seemed. alone with a flicker of a smile.

the boy with the sewn-on heart shook faintly as soft white snow erupted from the sky.
the lake had turned to ice now. off a bit, a seagull had come under the misfortune of finding it's way to freezing in the water, it's body stuck half out of the water upside-down in humiliating display.
the trees stood naked against the pale white sky, dimly coloured by the snow falling against them. they resembled mangled messes of hands, almost claw-like, reaching out at the sky in a vain attempt to wash away the grey that they had been dressed in.
the leaves lay dead on the ground, the snow falling to bury them, to entomb their fragile, crackling bodies and complete their process. the winter death. the end.
the boy stared out at the landscape before him, at the faint horizon; the dim remainder of magic that was slowly being painted into an entirely new, bitter scene. there was no moon, no stars, no soft sound of the water in the calm of the night. winter had come and winter was taking and all that was magic was hidden under it's frosty veil and the moon no longer reflected and no longer lusted in the boy's direction for the moon no longer showed and had been washed away and drowned under the empty shade of grey blanketing the sky and the snow blanketing the ground and the cold dancing with the wind through the air and all of these things that had one another and
the boy was alone in wait.
the boy was alone.
the boy shivered.
the boy was alone.
shiver.

Wake up, love.
The weather is singing winter, but together, we'll keep our hearts in the summer.
These places can still feel like they belong to us and still feel alive by our memories alone.





Not all is buried and lost in the snow.







the girl with the lost expression sat by the lakeside in her favourite spot, as she had begun to.
and as spring swept over everything and banished the cold and the frost and the snow and the grey and began to repaint everything around her in vivid fresh colours, the dead bird sinking into a beautiful blue grave as the ice parted and drifted away only to slowly become one with the waves, the dying trees breathing life again slowly and surely, colour flushing back into their rough skin, the stars poking their head out as if they'd fallen into a deep sleep and forgotten about their after hours job,
the girl felt loss.

the moon's reflection, though dim, stretched out towards her, as if to console her somehow.

( )

bare.

i don't know what this is.
i don't know what i expect or what i hope for.
and i don't know what i should expect or hope for.
i've just stopped really expecting or hoping for much, i guess.

would you like to be something impossible with me?
maybe together, it doesn't have to be so impossible.
some things are just there to challenge you.
maybe that's all it is. a mere challenge.
i'll fight on if you'll fight on.
just say the word.
confirm me.

we can still find safety and love in maps and miles.

i've thought enough for the both of us.

the night is lonely, and if you let it, it will swallow you whole.

i've tried many a night to fall away from every thought in my mind - buried my head into the dark of my bedroom and the soft of my pillow and hoped that it would carry me off to sleep. sometimes, this happens. sometimes i pass out before i'm aware how much i want to sleep, because sometimes, i stay awake longer than i really need to, until, like i said, i pass out. but i don't know how to stop thinking. i don't know how to shut off. i don't know how to stop lingering on everything around me, on what i have and what i'm missing. what i've had and what i've lost. what i want and what i can't have. who. all the situations i wish i could find myself in. the words i wish to say but can't for fear that they will not bring with them all the meaning i think into them. all the impossibilities and never-ever's that i want to reach because that's what i desire and long for. the negatives and the pure. the places i want to go with you and experience by your side. the things i want to see, but never alone. not once alone.

i want to feel your hand in mine and sit down in a vacant space of soft grass at night, and watch our very own personal fireworks display to light up the sky with stars that never seemed quite as beautiful as they will then, in that moment.

i long to reach that pinnacle moment of sincere love where there is nothing but constant bliss, no fear that something may go wrong or that we do not belong where we are, because all that surrounds me is all that means anything, and all that surrounds us is our version of home, of family, of safety, our constant belonging.

i wish to stand in times square basking in the lights of new york city by your side, snow falling, cars passing by, voices and their respective owners drifting along, and none of that matters because we're lost in our own little world, perfectly mediocre to outsiders, perfectly flawless to us.

i yearn to cut off all the ties that wrap around and smother me that connect to feeling unsatisfied with the person who runs around in this skin, a little less impressive and wanted than everybody else.

i crave spending time and time and time to discover our own modern love that feels real, more real than we could have ever imagined, as if we had felt it all along and when we came together we woke it up, and that fragile little feeling and the world had never felt more alive until then, as if we had turned on every light in our hearts at once and had been given a new spark, as if our frail bodies had suddenly become complete as they'd never known how to be. as if we had annihilated loneliness at the seed and birthed a victory that our body and souls and thoughts and everything that makes up us cheer along to.

i want and crave and lust and desire many things, and eventually, someday, maybe i will have them. maybe i won't. maybe some things can never become a reality. and that's okay, i guess.




"nobody gets exactly what they thought they'd get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."




sometimes, you learn to numb yourself and enjoy the slow sunrise.

passion.

someday, someone's going to make me really happy. and i will be the best person i can possibly be - passionate, strong, brave and kind. not awkward or quiet or shy in all the wrong ways. but i guess they won't be wrong, because you'll love them just as well, as i will you.

i will give you everything i can. completion. total and absolute adoration. i think, someday, you're going to be really happy.

someday, i'm going to be really happy.

i'll see you then. i hope you don't get lost along the way.