i've thought enough for the both of us.

the night is lonely, and if you let it, it will swallow you whole.

i've tried many a night to fall away from every thought in my mind - buried my head into the dark of my bedroom and the soft of my pillow and hoped that it would carry me off to sleep. sometimes, this happens. sometimes i pass out before i'm aware how much i want to sleep, because sometimes, i stay awake longer than i really need to, until, like i said, i pass out. but i don't know how to stop thinking. i don't know how to shut off. i don't know how to stop lingering on everything around me, on what i have and what i'm missing. what i've had and what i've lost. what i want and what i can't have. who. all the situations i wish i could find myself in. the words i wish to say but can't for fear that they will not bring with them all the meaning i think into them. all the impossibilities and never-ever's that i want to reach because that's what i desire and long for. the negatives and the pure. the places i want to go with you and experience by your side. the things i want to see, but never alone. not once alone.

i want to feel your hand in mine and sit down in a vacant space of soft grass at night, and watch our very own personal fireworks display to light up the sky with stars that never seemed quite as beautiful as they will then, in that moment.

i long to reach that pinnacle moment of sincere love where there is nothing but constant bliss, no fear that something may go wrong or that we do not belong where we are, because all that surrounds me is all that means anything, and all that surrounds us is our version of home, of family, of safety, our constant belonging.

i wish to stand in times square basking in the lights of new york city by your side, snow falling, cars passing by, voices and their respective owners drifting along, and none of that matters because we're lost in our own little world, perfectly mediocre to outsiders, perfectly flawless to us.

i yearn to cut off all the ties that wrap around and smother me that connect to feeling unsatisfied with the person who runs around in this skin, a little less impressive and wanted than everybody else.

i crave spending time and time and time to discover our own modern love that feels real, more real than we could have ever imagined, as if we had felt it all along and when we came together we woke it up, and that fragile little feeling and the world had never felt more alive until then, as if we had turned on every light in our hearts at once and had been given a new spark, as if our frail bodies had suddenly become complete as they'd never known how to be. as if we had annihilated loneliness at the seed and birthed a victory that our body and souls and thoughts and everything that makes up us cheer along to.

i want and crave and lust and desire many things, and eventually, someday, maybe i will have them. maybe i won't. maybe some things can never become a reality. and that's okay, i guess.




"nobody gets exactly what they thought they'd get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."




sometimes, you learn to numb yourself and enjoy the slow sunrise.

passion.

someday, someone's going to make me really happy. and i will be the best person i can possibly be - passionate, strong, brave and kind. not awkward or quiet or shy in all the wrong ways. but i guess they won't be wrong, because you'll love them just as well, as i will you.

i will give you everything i can. completion. total and absolute adoration. i think, someday, you're going to be really happy.

someday, i'm going to be really happy.

i'll see you then. i hope you don't get lost along the way.